Vae's Fanfic

Blame terrycloth, here. Blame him lots.

I [OOC - Sythyry? Or Bard? Neither one makes sense.] made the mistake of giving Vae a copy of Lord of the Rings, and, well, she insisted on writing fanfic. She's not very good. And yeah, there's a prequel where she's ... um ... Vaery-Siw is dating Smaug. I don't get that, especially since Smaug is, canonically, dead.

The terrible hordes of Mordor had overrun Osgilith and were approaching the gates of Minas Tirith. The terrible battering-ram Grod was carried by dozens of thuggish cave trolls. A thousand orques marched on either side, and they were flanked by gigantic oliphants. Nine Nazgul flew overhead on cute winged lizardly steeds. Gondor was surely doomed.

"We are surely doomed," said Denethor, and made quite sure that he, personally, was doomed.

"Alas! Who will save us?" asked Gandalf.

Vaery-Siw woke up in Smaug's bed, and stretched. "Ooh! There's something magical going on in Gondor! Let me go look! I'll be back in a minute, sweetie!" She winked one whirling green eye at him. She was being careful to talk the way everyone else did.

She appeared in the upper sky near Minas Tirith. "Oh, this can't be good!" she said. She teleported down and thwacked Grod with her tail. It turned into a big animate wooden snake throwing lightning bolts from its horns, and started eating cave trolls.

The orquish archers all shot nasty poisonous arrows at her. But she was wearing a troiant and most of the archers actually hit themselves with their own arrows. So much for the orquish archers.

The oliphant-drivers pointed their oliphants at the gorgeous but misunderstood nendrai. So she teleported over and modified their loyalties, so that they rampaged over the remaining orques. So much for the remaining orquish archers.

"Hisss! We kill!" said the Nazgul. "I, in particular, kill!" said the chief Nazgul, "For I cannot be killed by any man!"

"Ooh, goodie! An immortal!" squeaked Vaery-Siw, and blinked her opal-purple eyes. She turned him into a cow, and then turned his/her new bovine horns into whips that lashed his/her back, and tucked him/her into a pocket universe for later torture. "It'll be a long time before that not-a-man comes to kill you and thereby set you free!"

The other Nazgul flew away on their cute flying lizards, or something.

"We're saved! Yay!" said everyone in Minas Tirith.

"We're going to hold a victory banquet," said Gandalf, wagging his tail. "I know it's very irregular, but, just this once, you can come right inside the front gate of Minas Tirith."

Vaery-Siw was overcome by emotions. She wept dagrs of glass that ripped her glowing mauve eyes to shreds, but for once she didn't mind.

I'm not really in a hurry to see what she's going to do in the prequel.