Advice Column

How To Get Wife To Strip Pocker

Search Query du Jour: How To Get Wife To Strip Pocker. And yes, it turns up the Sythyry web page. Perhaps because relatively few web pages talk about pockers (the World Tree bird roughly homologous to a chicken) compared to the number that talk about poker.

Bard:"Sythyry, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for volunteering to do an advice column."

Sythyry:"I would hardly dream of stopping you! Nor, indeed, of stopping anyone who wishes to thank me! Unless, I suppose, such thankage were presented in the form of mighty Destroc Corpador spells, in which case it might better be termed revenge than thankage in any ordinary sense."

Bard:"Well, the first question..."

Sythyry:"You were going to thank me, were you not?"

Bard:"I thought I did... Rhys is keeping me up late a lot, so I'm liable to forget many basic things, but I'm pretty sure I thanked you."

Sythyry:"You simply expressed the intent, albeit forcefully."

Bard:[Sighing]"Right. By the authority vested in me by, um, myself and Vicki, I hereby officially gloriously pompously thank you for stuff. Now get to the question, or I'll thwack you with a frozen kangaroo tail."

Sythyry:"Kangaroo?"

Bard:"A hornless carcanofex."

Sythyry:"A creature of a substantial caudal appendage. I cower; I whinge; I slink in fear; I retreat beneath the tablecloth. You will excuse me if perform these activities spiritually rather than physically, for I am not entirely sober."

Bard:"Not sober?"

Sythyry:"When one's supposed author, who has supposedly condemned one to a series of miserable not-sufficiently-romantic encounters, demands that one give romantic advice to extradimensional monsters in utterly incomprehensible situations, sobriety is scarcely called for."

Bard:"I might think that one would want one's wits about one."

Sythyry:"Cast Guard in the Pub on me if you'd like. I'm out of cley."

Bard:"I ... don't have that spell. Can we get to the question?"

Sythyry:"Whenever you like!"

Bard:"The first question is, then, How To Get Wife To Strip Pocker."

Sythyry:"That's not so much of a question as, well, an incoherent mumbling mush of words."

Bard:"Well, I don't write these things, I simply collect them. Perhaps other people will give more coherent questions as responses to this column."

Sythyry:"I suppose I should be grateful that at least it is not a demand for romantic advice by extradimensional monsters in utterly incomprehensible situations."

Bard:"And the answer is...?"

Sythyry:"Get the cook to do it."

Bard:"Beg pardon?"

Sythyry:"Get the cook to strip the feathers from the pocker."

Bard:"I get the impression that the querent doen't have a cook."

Sythyry:"Ah, these monsters are commoners. They should get a monsterish equivalent of Strip Pocker[World Tree spell names, like everything else, are done in translation. -- bb] spell. It, well, takes the feathers off of a bird. While you concentrate. On which bits of the pocker are the feathers and which bits are the delectable flesh of the breast and which bits are the tips of your fingers. Destroy the first, but not the second or the third."

Bard:"These creatures are incapable of Corpador magic."

Sythyry:"Well, then, does this gentle-entity want my advice in how to compel zir wife to obedience in the kitchen?"

Bard:"Close enough."

Sythyry:"I am a Zi Ri endowed with considerable imagination, vast intelligence, huge estates, dependable immortality, delectable genitalia, and an ego the size of the Hollow Moon and twice as deserving to be punctured. Nonetheless I cannot see why I am called upon to answer this question. I have never been married; if I were, it would not be to a wife, nor to someone who would ever have any need of going into the kitchen to pluck a bird not greatly smaller than zirself."

Bard:"Take it up with the dude at 68.43.104.159."

Sythyry:"Where?"

Bard:"68.43.104.159. It's an IP address."

Sythyry:"I am unsure how to navigate those highly-numbered realms of urination. I hope to remain unsure about this topic forever."

Bard:"Just answer the question."

Sythyry:"Well, then, here is the answer. Say to her, Please be so kind as to pluck this pocker. If you do, I shall scritch your ears and grant you sexual favors. If you do not, I shall bite your ears and recommend that you apply to the residents of Smurdley's Home For The Decrepitly Incapacitated for sexual gratification."

Bard:"That doesn't sound like very good relationship advice..."

Sythyry:"It is not. It is dreadful relationship advice. Even I, who by your wicked machinations have not managed to have much of a relationship yet, recognize how bad this advice is. Nonetheless, it is my advice to this querent. And if any other monsters dare ask more questions, I shall give them equally distinctive advice."

Bard:"In fact, there are some others. Hot Hallucinogenic Peppers."

Sythyry:"Hot ... Hallucinogenic ... Peppers. This is the question?"

Bard:"That is the question."

Sythyry:"Then the answer is, No, thank you. My breath is quite hot enough, and with this advice column I scarcely need hallucinogens."

Bard:"Stupid lizard. OK. Let me thank you for your time and effort, Sythyry..."

Sythyry:"No. You'd best do something more concrete to thank me than words, for this sort of humiliation."

Bard:"Not likely."

[Exeunt, in opposite directions, both fuming.]